Editor’s note: This month’s teen page stories are intended solely as parody in the spirit of a Purim spiel and should not be taken as fact.
So, you’re planning a b’nai mitzvah? Take a cue or two from Sascha Seinfeld, comedian Jerry Seinfeld’s oldest daughter who celebrated her coming-of-age this year. Sascha commemorated her special day in style, with a star-studded invite list and an elaborate theme.
1. Create the perfect guest list. When deciding whom to invite, make sure not to leave anyone out. It’s your special day, and you want to be sure that every single person you know is there to witness it. This includes your grandma’s hairdresser’s nephew’s best friend, Bob. And Bob’s girlfriend. Keep in mind that the less you know your attendees, the less nervous you will be to botch your Torah portion in front of them. Plus, it’s more gifts!
2. Pick a DJ. When choosing the music for your party, make sure it is as loud as possible. Ask if you can hear a sample of the DJ’s music before the event. If you want to cover your ears, or find your eyes tearing up while listening, consider it a good sign. Also, make sure the DJ provides dancers to help engage the crowd. Nothing makes b’nai mitzvah attendees happier than having a 20-something-year-old dancing with them while they attempt to eat dinner.
3. Choose the theme and carry it through. There is a simple trick to help you when it comes time for choosing a theme. Type “clichés” into your Google search bar and see what pops up. The more clichéd your theme, the better. Make sure the theme has absolutely nothing to do with your interests or hobbies. That way, more people will be able to relate to and appreciate it. Make sure every part of your b’nai mitzvah relates directly back to the theme. Nothing should distract from the theme.
4. Spend as much money as possible. Go all out. It’s a YOLO (You Only Live Once) moment, right? Always strive to impress your guests. They are there for the decorations, and not you, after all. As a general rule of thumb, remember that the more money you spend, the more special your big day will be. Paying more will ensure that everyone enjoys themselves. You want a petting zoo? Go for it. A slip and slide? Get that, too. Bouncy house? Check. And remember, iPads make the best party favors.
5. Don’t study too much. Remember that your big day is mostly about the party. It is too easy to get caught up in all of the studying, and lose sight of the main goal: to have a great party. People will be having too much fun at the party to remember that you had no idea what your Haftarah portion meant, or that you completely winged your speech.